The Adventures of Lardass Hogan
by BoatsAgainstTheCurrent
Summary: A collection of Lardass stories. I wanted to give good ol' Davie Hogan some recognition. (If you're all for non-cliche SBM stories, I have a poll up on my profile!)
1. Lardass and the Missing Donuts

**Welcome my friends to my collection of Lardass stories! I really wanted to write a story that I have never seen done before. I thought it might be fun to write about Lardass and some of his life adventures and such. I hope you do enjoy and thank you for reading. **

**Ch. 1: Lardass and the Mystery of the Missing Donuts**

"Mom, where are the donuts?"  
Ten year old John Hogan shouted across the house, slamming the refrigerator door shut.  
An exhausted Alice Hogan, mother of four, sat down to take a break from cleaning. She sighed, "I don't know, Johnny. I didn't eat 'em. Ask your father." She wiped a hand across her sweaty forehead and lifted her fair hair back into a bun.  
"Daaaaaaad," John shouted out again.  
"Oh lord," Alice breathed heavily, "Keep it down, Johnny. Davie's trying to sleep."  
She looked over at the crib in the corner of the living room and began to hear small whimpers coming from it.

A moment later, the five hundred pound Henry Hogan came thumping into the living room, scratching his beard and rubbing his beer belly at the same time.  
"Dad?" John walked into the room and asked a little frightfully, as if his father could breathe fire or crush him with one toe if he said a word.  
"Yes sonny?" He replied, sitting down on the couch and causing the floorboards to shudder.  
"Did you eat the last of the donuts?"

The whole room was silent for a moment; only baby Davie could be heard (he had woken as soon as his father had entered the room, and started crying).  
"You calling me fat, son?" Henry raised his voice and asked accusingly.  
"Of course not," John replied quickly.  
"Well then, no, I didn't touch any donuts," he stated with finality.

John Hogan didn't say another word to his father. Instead, he walked away with a deep frown on his face. He had really been in the mood for a donut today and, now since he couldn't have one, he was cranky.

On the other end of the living room, he sat himself down in his mother's chaiselongue just as his older sister Judy made an entrance. She had short blonde hair and a pink skirt that she matched with her purse. She looked into the mirror at the center of the room and began fixing her hair, fluffing it up with one hand. "Mom, I'm going out with Katie tonight. I'll be back by ten." Alice nodded. Henry humphed. John sank down further in the chaiselongue, but perked right back up.

"Wait, Judy!" He shouted, almost springing up out of the seat.

"Uh huh?" His sister replied in a bored tone, not bothering to look at her brother as she fixed her hair.

"Did _you _take the last donuts?"

Alice sighed, wondering why her son so desperately wanted these donuts.

Judy scrunched her small brown eyes together and said, "Eww, no, I hate donuts. They're full of calories and fat." With that final thought, she said a quick goodbye to her parents and made her way out the front door.

Just as Johnny sank back, defeated, Mark Hogan, his 17-year old brother, came scurrying down the stairs. He was wearing plain white keds and jeans that were far too big for him. His light brown hair was a mess and he was trying to comb it down with a brush in one hand. He seemed to be repeatedly whispering something to himself. In fact, he looked like he had gone completely mad.

"Where are you off to, Mark?" Alice asked calmly, once the boy was already almost out the front door. Mark retreated, then leaning down quickly to re-tie his shoe.

"I'm late, I'm late, I'm late, I'm late," he slurred together in a hurry.

"Mark?"

"Oh, right. I'm late, ma. I gotta go... uh... meet some friends." He looked around the room suspiciously and headed for the door again.

"Did you happen to hawk any donuts?" John asked loudly as his brother exited the house.

"No!" came the distant reply.

Alice rolled her eyes and turned to her 10-year old son, "Enough with the donuts, Johnny!"

John let out a sigh and got off of the chaiselongue.

The young boy made his way over to his brother's crib.  
He looked down at the fat baby lying relaxed on his baby blanket.  
Davie Hogan was a boy of one year. He had chubby, rosy cheeks and pudgy hands and feet. His thighs had cute little fat rolls and his brown hair stuck up all across his head. He had big blue eyes that gleamed up at his big brother.  
He started to laugh, and show his tiny white teeth, when Johnny noticed something on the boy's chin.

Crumbs.

Crumbs all over his chin and upper lip. Davie giggled and then stopped to smile guiltily at his brother. John lifted the baby gently out of the crib, revealing a half eaten and squashed donut underneath him.

"Mystery solved," John said, turning back to his mother and father, "Now the only question is... Who fed it to him?"  
Both Alice and Henry raised their hands in defense and shook there heads.

John turned back to the fat baby in his arms, grinned, and put him back in the crib as he took away the half eat donut. He looked down at the ground and found a barely noticeable trail of donut crumbs leading up to the crib. John lifted the blanket out to reveal a box of chocolate flavored donuts. Besides the few crumbs that resided in it, it was completely empty.

"Well, someone sure is sneaky," he whispered to the boy.  
Davie continued to giggle and John swore he saw him wink.

And that was only the beginning of Davie Hogan's food scavenging adventures.

* * *

**If you have any nice ideas for my collection of Lardass stories, feel free to tell me! I'd love to incorporate any ideas you have (humorous or otherwise). Thanks guys!**


	2. Carson's Castle Rock Candy Shop

**Thank you Izout for reviewing and suggesting your idea! I will incorporate it in probably the next chapter.**

**CherryCokesAndWinterSmokes… Boston Baked Beans.**

_Davie Hogan visits the local Castle Rock candy shop and meets..._

**Ch. 2: Lardass Hogan and Carson's Castle Rock Candy Shop**

Davie Hogan had been out all day looking for a candy store that properly fit his needs. He was in the mood for more than just some PEZ. He was in the mood for Abba-Zabba's, Boston Baked Beans, Chuckles, Gold Mine Gum, Jujyfruits, Hot Tamales, and licorice. And for once, he had a full ten dollars in his pocket to go shopping galore!

His first visit was in his town's local shop- Jerry's Sweets. It wasn't bad, but the owner smelled oddly of beef and always wore grease-stained shirts. Davie decided he'd better find a higher quality shop, so he left Harlow in search of something better. He had gotten up bright and early in the morning and snuck down the squeaky staircase while the rest of his family slept. To ensure that he could find a good shop within the day, he opened the garage and got out his father's old bicycle. It was far too big for ten-year old Davie, but it would have to do.

So, after biking straight out of Harlow, Davie headed for the next town and found a shop named Eugene's Candy Co., but he wasn't satisfied there either. It took him another hour to come by a decent looking candy shop- some he just skipped right on by after looking at the outside, not bothering to go in. By 4 o'clock, he had biked through six different towns, and he was about ready to head back home, when he spotted a huge, colorful sign.

The sign read "Carson's Castle Rock Candy Shop" in bolded letters and underneath it brightly stated: Come on in and choose from an endless selection of treats! It's candy heaven!  
This was exactly what Davie had been looking for. Finally, he thought with a sigh of relief. He was exhausted, and probably had lost a few pounds from the day spent on his father's bike. The sign was so welcoming, and his pink, chubby cheeks lit up with the joy of the thought of having bucket loads of candy within only a few minutes time.

Little Davie Hogan stopped admiring the sign so he could glance at the shop itself. It was a small place, but its bright colors really made it stand out from the shabby look of the rest of the town. He leaned the bike up against the brick wall, checked his pocket to make sure he still had the money (he did), and walked through the door with his head held high.

The bell rang to welcome him and his nose was filled with the sweet scent of all the candy one could ever dream of. To one side of the room, he spotted chocolates and creamy sweets. To the other side, lollipops, red licorice, spicy candy, hard candy, chewy candy, candy with funny wrappers, candy with no wrappers, candy, candy, candy!

Davie thought it was a wonderland. He stepped inside completely and let his eyes glaze over all of the delicious treats.

"Hey there, kid."

Davie was shocked to find a man standing behind a counter in the far corner of the room. He wore a bright red apron with a logo on it that read the name of the candy shop, plain blue jeans and keds, and a goofy smile to top it all off.  
He was Carson, the shop owner.

"What can I do you for?" He asked with a grin that looked so plastered onto his face, it looked like it would fall off.  
"I'd like a little bit of everything!" The ten-year old Davie Hogan shouted enthusiastically.  
Carson laughed heartily, "We got hundreds of things to choose from, sonny. You sure you have enough money?"  
Davie proudly held up his ten dollar bill as if it was worth all the money in the world. Carson smiled, not wanting to let down the young boy, "Okay kid, go ahead and pick out whatever you want. I'll tell you how much you can get with the money."

Little Davie scurried off to the chocolates, picking out candy bars and simple delicacies. Then he roamed the rest of the shop, taking time to admire everything. The smile on his face said it all- he was in paradise.

He was so lost in his little heaven, that he didn't even hear the bell above the door ring nor the little boy his age that entered.

The boy coming in was named Vernon Tessio. His parents were of the middle-class and lived fairly happily in the town of Castle Rock. Every day, Vernon lugged a pocketful of pennies down to Carson's so he could buy himself handfuls of PEZ, Caramels, Root Beer Barrels, and all the other wonderful candies he enjoyed.

Vernon, or Vern as most called him, was immediately immersed in conversation with the owner of the shop. It was not until a few minutes had passed that he noticed the unfamiliar child rummaging through piles and shelves of bubble gum.

He ran up to Davie with glee on his face and began letting sentences and questions flow from him like a river. He talked about his favorite candy ("Why, it's PEZ, of course!"), he talked about the pennies he carried around, and he talked about how often he came to Carson's to buy candy ("At least once a day, but often it's two"). Vern asked Davie what his favorite candy was. Davie just shrugged. Vern asked him what his favorite candy shop was. Davie just shrugged.

But Vern didn't seem to notice that he was basically talking to a ghost. He continued on as he picked out his usual favorites from the piles of candy. Soon, he had loaded up a full grocery bag. Davie stood dumbfounded, staring at this boy.

"Okay, I just need one more thing," Vern said, clearly demonstrating how much of a routine buying candy was.  
He strutted over to the shelf of PEZ, which contained multiple different flavors. There was strawberry, raspberry, lemon, orange, and grape. But Vern immediately stopped cold in front of it. His favorite flavor seemed to be missing.

"There's no cherry! The cherry's gone!"

He began frantically searching through every single piece of candy in hope of finding a spare cherry, all the time muttering about it not being there.

Eventually, he slowed his breathing and happened to glance at Davie's bag of candy.

Davie's face grew ketchup-red. He tried to hide his bag of goodies behind him, but Vern had already peeked inside.

Sure enough, all of the cherry-flavored PEZ's were there.  
Vern gasped, "You took the last of them!"  
Davie stuttered slightly in reply, "I-I like ch-cherry PEZ too."

In the meantime, Vern's face started to grow bright red as well. But it wasn't embarrassment, it was anger.  
He practically pounced on poor Davie, trying to get the PEZ back.  
Carson had to break them up, "Whoa boys, let's not get violent."  
"But he stole my PEZ!" Vern argued.  
"It's not your PEZ, sonny. You're going to have to learn to share."

A dark realization swept across Vern's mind at that moment. He realized that for years he had mostly had the candy shop to himself. Not many people ever came in there because parents didn't want their children to become fat. Vern realized this other boy was just like him, and he wanted candy too. He would have to share.

With a sigh, Vern let Davie keep the PEZ. After all, he already had bags of it at home.

Davie paid for his candy and Vern went back to searching the store for more treats.

Davie was exhausted as he exited the small shop. It had been a long and interesting day. His encounter with the boy his age frightened him away from the candy shop, not to mention the town of Castle Rock, for a good three years.  
As he got on his bike with his bag of candy, Davie realized he hadn't exchanged names with the boy. For some odd reason, it bugged him for a few moments, but it was quickly forgotten when he pictured himself sitting at home in his room, inhaling all the candy.


End file.
